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Larry Ellison becomes Chief Monk Officer

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Larry Ellison on Thursday came to the startling yet enlightening realization that he is not god. As a result, Oracle's CEO has gone totally monastic.

Ellison's breakthrough occurred following a recent brain-glazing procedure. The billionaire software maker felt a slight, post-op twinge and then saw god before him. The god figure's absence of a beard or a Bill Gates complex convinced Ellison he was not looking at himself.

Frame of reference altered in a major way, Ellison now plans to become the world's best monk.

"Larry comes to us once or twice a year to make sure that his brain is in top condition," said Beverley Hills-based plastic surgeon Herm Deftouche. "We remove a large chunk of his skull and coat his brain with a proprietary mixture called Grey Batter. Like many of our clients, Larry thinks a well-polished, aristocratic brain gives him an edge over rivals. And, in actual fact, a shimmering brain is beyond spectacular."

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