Language Selection

English French German Italian Portuguese Spanish

The Intrepid Investigator Report -- Sniffing Powdered Ubuntu CDs Cures Cancer!

Filed under
Humor

The Intrepid Investigator

Ubuntu Cures Cancer
by reporter Ursula Upton
filed: 16 March 2007 at 13:52.

Yes, it's a genuine miracle. In a scientific study by reputable scientists Borg Benderle and Lamer DiDiot (both affiliated with Shuttlecock University), the study found that sniffing powdered Ubuntu CDs brings about a dramatic reduction in the size of cancer tumors.

In an interview of both scientists conducted Thursday by the "Intrepid Investigator", Benderle said, "The study took hours. To our vast surprise, we found that powdered Ubuntu CDs immediately brought about remission of cancer in human beings to the point that the patients were cancer free."

Benderle added, "We also tested other powdered CDs, such as Red Hat, SUSE, PCLinuxOS, Mandriva, Mepis, and Linux Mint. Sadly, those powdered CDs were only effective against laboratory animal tumors, and didn't work on humans. After all, as Ubuntu has claimed: 'Ubuntu is the Linux for Human Beings'."

DiDiot then chimed in, "Linux Mint CDs did cause a small reduction in tumor size in humans, but weren't as effective as the powdered Ubuntu CDs. That's probably because powdered Linux Mint CDs are very similar to Ubuntu's."

When asked about the efficacy of sniffing powdered Microsoft Windows CDs, DiDiot replied, "We haven't tested sniffing powdered Microsoft Windows CDs yet, but we're both sure that they will be effective. After all, MS Windows is the most popular OS out there. And the TCO [total cost of ownership] will be less because there are tons of MS Windows CDs just laying around."

However, your Intrepid Investigator contacted Microsoft's Steve Ballmer who said, "We own patent rights to all CD powdering processes, and anyone who intends to cure their cancer by sniffing any kind of CDs must pay a royalty to Microsoft prior to taking even one single whiff."

Last minute news flash:
Your Intrepid Investigator has received a secret email from Didiot to Benderle that says, in part, "...we must hide the fact that that the *MS Windows* CD sniffing tests showed an *increase* in cancer tumor size in both animals and humans ...".

Following up on this, your Intrepid Investigator phoned DiDiot for comment. DiDiot denied that she ever sent an email containing such a comment and reiterated that the study did not include the sniffing of MS Windows CDs. She added, "But I'm sure that Microsoft does deserve a royalty for every sniffed powered CD, and will probably be using a shill corporation like EssSeeOh to file lawsuits against anyone who sniffs powdered CDs without first paying the royalty and authorizing the sniffing from Microsoft Corp. It's my understanding that Microsoft is setting up a website for this called 'CD Sniffing Advantage' (www.mssniftcdlicense.com)."

Stick around for more analysis in the next publication of the Intrepid Investigator.

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.

In the United States an

In the United States an estimated 2000 to 3000 new cases of mesothelioma are diagnosed each year. Approximately three fourths of these cases start in the chest cavity and are called pleural mesotheliomas. Another 10% to 20% begin in the abdomen and are called peritoneal mesotheliomas. Lastly, those that start in the lining around the heart arc called pericar­dial mesotheliomas, but these are extremely rare.

More in Tux Machines

Python Programming

  • The PEPs of Python 3.9

    With the release of Python 3.9.0b1, the first of four planned betas for the development cycle, Python 3.9 is now feature-complete. There is still plenty to do in terms of testing and stabilization before the October final release. The release announcement lists a half-dozen Python Enhancement Proposals (PEPs) that were accepted for 3.9. We have looked at some of those PEPs along the way; there are some updates on those. It seems like a good time to fill in some of the gaps on what will be coming in Python 3.9

  • How to Write an Installable Django App

    In the Django framework, a project refers to the collection of configuration files and code for a particular website. Django groups business logic into what it calls apps, which are the modules of the Django framework. There’s plenty of documentation on how to structure your projects and the apps within them, but when it comes time to package an installable Django app, information is harder to find. In this tutorial, you’ll learn how to take an app out of a Django project and package it so that it’s installable. Once you’ve packaged your app, you can share it on PyPI so that others can fetch it through pip install.

  • Pros and Cons of Python: A Definitive Python Web Development Guide

    Python is a powerful programming language for mobile and web development projects. It is also the most popular programming language for AI in 2020. RedI Python development’s use cases in scientific computing, statistics, and education make it one of the highly preferred programming languages for Python programmers. The open-source programming language launched in 1992 is now on the verge of becoming the most popular and used programming language. Due to the rise in demand for AI and ML applications, Python web programming is now the first thing that comes to mind for coding such applications. But is Python for web development even worth it? It definitely is. Some of the top companies use Python web programming in their technology stack.

Fedora 32 Elections

mesa 20.1.0

Hi all,

I'd like to announce Mesa 20.1.0, the first release for the 20.1 branch.

Being the first release of this new branch, there can be issues that
will be discovered now that the new code will be widely used, so you may
want to stay on the 20.0.x releases until the 20.1.1 release, scheduled
for 14 days from now on 2020-06-10.

One already known issue that I want to point out is that Unreal Engine 4
has a bug in its usage of glDrawRangeElements() causing it to be
called with a number of vertices in place of the `end` parameter,
that was recently revealed. This is an annoying bug that we haven't
worked around yet. For more details:
https://gitlab.freedesktop.org/mesa/mesa/-/issues/2917

Eric

---

Andrii Simiklit (1):
      i965/vec4: Ignore swizzle of VGRF for use by var_range_end()

Bas Nieuwenhuizen (4):
      radv/winsys:  Remove extra sizeof multiply.
      radv: Handle failing to create .cache dir.
      radv: Do not close fd -1 when NULL-winsys creation fails.
      radv: Implement vkGetSwapchainGrallocUsage2ANDROID.

D Scott Phillips (1):
      anv/gen11+: Disable object level preemption

Danylo Piliaiev (3):
      meson: Disable GCC's dead store elimination for memory zeroing custom new
      mesa: Fix double-lock of Shared->FrameBuffers and usage of wrong mutex
      intel/fs: Work around dual-source blending hangs in combination with SIMD16

Dave Airlie (1):
      llvmpipe: compute shaders work better with all the threads.

Eric Engestrom (4):
      .pick_status.json: Update to a91306677c613ba7511b764b3decc9db42b24de1
      tree-wide: fix deprecated GitLab URLs
      docs: Add release notes for 20.1.0
      VERSION: bump to 20.1.0 release

Erik Faye-Lund (1):
      zink: use general-layout when blitting to/from same resource

Gert Wollny (1):
      r600: Fix duplicated subexpression in r600_asm.c

Hanno Böck (1):
      Properly check mmap return value

Icecream95 (1):
      panfrost: Fix background showing when using discard

Jason Ekstrand (3):
      nir/lower_double_ops: Rework the if (progress) tree
      nir/opt_deref: Report progress if we remove a deref
      nir/copy_prop_vars: Record progress in more places

Kristian Høgsberg (1):
      freedreno: Use the right amount of &'s

Nataraj Deshpande (1):
      dri_util: Update internal_format to GL_RGB8 for MESA_FORMAT_R8G8B8X8_UNORM

Pierre-Eric Pelloux-Prayer (1):
      amd/addrlib: fix forgotten char -> enum conversions

Rhys Perry (1):
      nir: fix lowering to scratch with boolean access

Rob Clark (1):
      freedreno: clear last_fence after resource tracking

Samuel Pitoiset (2):
      radv: handle different Vulkan API versions correctly
      radv: update the list of allowed Android extensions

Timothy Arceri (2):
      glsl: stop cascading errors if process_parameters() fails
      glsl: fix slow linking of uniforms in the nir linker

Vinson Lee (3):
      r600/sfn: Initialize VertexStageExportForGS m_num_clip_dist member variable.
      r600/sfn: Use correct setter method.
      freedreno: Add missing va_end.

git tag: mesa-20.1.0
Read more Also: Mesa 20.1 Released With Numerous Linux Graphics Driver Improvements

Android Mirroring App ‘Scrcpy’ Just Added a Bunch of New Features

If you read this blog regularly enough you’ll be familiar with scrcpy, an ace root-free way to mirror your Android smartphone on your Ubuntu desktop and interact with it. Scrcpy is free, it’s open source, it’s awesome. Oh yeah, and it’s updated regularly! Which is what this post is about: telling you what’s new and notable in the latest release, scrcpy 1.14 — so let’s get to it! Read more